Why do feelings have to be complicated? Why do we need to feel certain kind of uncertainties inside our hearts, our heads?

Well, here's the thing: the world is full of uncertainty. But you have to face it and play it cool. You know, for every steps that we take in life, there must be price to pay. 

Frankly speaking, the very thoughts I had once I finished typing "there must be price to pay" was "whether it is good or bad". But then something popped in my head. I didn't know if it's somebody saying this to me or I heard it somewhere, but my head reminded me of an idea that "there truly isn't something good or bad in life. God has created everything beautifully, and the good or bad depends on how we choose see things. Our perspective." More or less, those were the things my head tried to tell me. Then I stopped at "there must be price to pay", for there really is.

I am a person who's hard to make decisions when it comes to something risky. I get anxious. I get afraid to put my feet in the wrong path, to knock the wrong door, to get wounded, to fall, to get shattered in pieces. And I overthink. If others have problems with biting their tongues, then I’m the opposite. I bite my tongue way too often. It is sometimes because the people I speak with, or the subjects that make me feel tiny and unable to bring my opinions. I don’t always stand up for my own opinions, and that makes me sad.

But lately, I learned so many things in just few months. It was mainly because I experienced lots of things that made me emotionally and physically tired. These past few months I finally learned how to strive for happiness. I started to do something that I'm passionate about, I removed lots of negativity from my body and my mind, I talked to new people, I let out the big burden that's been in my heart for too long, I got angry, I loved a lot, more than I used to, and most importantly, I finally took further steps to get closer to the kind of live I've always wanted. I am still far from the goals I want to achieve but still, those things had taught me something and made me emotionally grown.

I'm not even sure why I decided to write this jumble of thoughts I have in mind at almost midnight. I perhaps feel at ease now that I could write my feelings down. But, yeah.. 

There would always be that time in your life when you doubt everything. When you start questioning everything. When you feel unhappy about everything, yet that doesn't mean you aren't thankful for what you have. If you’re battling with something inside you just because you’re afraid to make a positive move that definitely feels right in your heart, just take baby steps towards your goal. Even a small step towards a positive goal means so much than not making any move. Trust me, you are the artist and life is your canvas. Do whatever you please to make your painting looks alive. Make it bright, make it meaningful, give colour to it.

And needless to say, I do need more colours on my painting.

Photograph by Karina Adilah